Three Lies
by pingo1387
Summary: Modern-day AU. Sanji and Usopp's trip to the bank takes an unexpected turn. Established SanUso. One-shot. Cover by PlanarShift.


"I gotta say," Sanji muttered as he sat against the wall, "this isn't what I expected when I came here."

Usopp stared at his boyfriend incredulously, torn between laughing and screaming—though with the threat of a bullet going through his skull, he did neither. "Really," he hissed sarcastically. "You didn't expect to be held hostage during a robbery. No, I'm sure people _regularly_ expect that, Sanji, _geez_, what were you thinking—?"

"Shut up," Sanji hissed. "I'm trying to work something out."

The two had taken a short trip to the bank that afternoon, just before closing time. Other than the teller, they'd been the only ones in the bank. Sanji had begun to flirt with her, and as Usopp had seized his ear in punishment, there'd been a loud noise behind them. All three—Sanji, Usopp, and the teller—had looked around.

Three people dressed in black had stood at the entrance, each of them holding a pistol, their faces covered by balaclavas. The burliest of the three had ordered in an unfitting high-pitched voice for Usopp and Sanji to sit against the wall and not move or make any loud noises. The one with unusually large forearms had approached the teller, pointed his gun to her (making Sanji scowl), and ordered her to get as much money as possible. She'd nodded fearfully, her orange bun bobbing at the back of her head, and slowly stood to get the money as the large man threatened her if she were to call the police.

Which brought Sanji and Usopp to their current predicament. As the orange-haired teller got the money, the gun aimed at her constantly, the other two culprits continually aimed their guns at Sanji and Usopp, sitting against the wall. The burly one would often glance back at the man with large forearms, while the other one—who was about two feet shorter than the burly one—kept rocking back and forth on his feet like he was hyperactive. He appeared to be wearing some kind of hat under his balaclava.

"What exactly can you work out here?" Usopp muttered out of the side of his mouth. "I think I see what's going on pretty well."

"I worked it out already," Sanji mumbled. "Take a closer look at those guns."

Usopp squinted at the guns the robbers held and raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Sanji muttered. "I knew you could tell. They might've fooled that pretty teller, but no bullets are gonna come out of those toys."

"So what's the plan?" Usopp muttered. "Rush them? I'll have you know I was star quarterback on the high school football team—"

"No, you weren't," Sanji muttered, rolling his eyes. "You were always sitting by yourself in the stands. That's how we met, remember?"

"Yeah," Usopp sighed. Then he shook his head. "Uh, we're getting off-topic. What's the plan?"

Sanji whispered it into Usopp's ear as soon as the robbers were distracted. Usopp nodded.

"And hey," Sanji whispered. "If we don't make it out alive—I love you."

Usopp grinned. "You should be saying that even if we're not in life-or-death situations! But yeah, I love you too."

Usopp cleared his throat loudly. The man with large forearms ignored him while the other two looked at him sharply.

"This is a bit b-boring, don't you think?" he asked, his voice trembling slightly. "Why don't I tell you two a story to pass the time?"

"A story!?" exclaimed the shorter one. "Yeah! That sounds great!"

He immediately sat down and drummed his feet on the floor. "C'mon, let's hear the story!"

Usopp slowly stood as the burly one sat down as well, keeping an eye on Sanji. "O-Okay," he said, sitting down in front of them. "H-Here goes . . ."

He took a deep breath.

"Once upon a time, there were two people in love going on a trip. Before they left for their trip, they decided to buy some food. When they got to the market, they found a vendor selling food—but alas! Just before they could purchase their items, three evil villains entered and declared the food was theirs!"

As Usopp spoke, he tapped the ground once. Sanji nodded and slowly stood, knowing that the two robbers were entirely focused on Usopp's story. Sanji made his way towards the large-forearmed man.

"The villains forced the two in love to sit quietly, or else their heads would be taken off," Usopp continued. "One of the villains went to force the vendor to give him all the food! It was terrible—all that food and none for the young couple!"

Sanji swiftly seized the gun and whacked the large-forearmed man on the side of the head. He fell and Sanji caught him, laying him softly on the ground. He pressed a finger to his lips when the teller stared at him and made a telephone signal with his hand, briefly showing nine fingers, then one finger, then one finger again.

"As the vendor gave the villain the food, one of the young couple started telling a story. As he told it, his partner did not move. The villain finished collecting the food and the one telling the story was killed! The villains got away with all the food and the young man's partner wept for his loss . . ."

Usopp trailed off at the end. "The end! Now," he continued quickly, "that tale was based on a _true story_! But I lied about three key factors of the story. Let me tell you what they were . . ."

Sanji slowly approached the two robbers.

"Lie number three: The villains got away with their bounty."

The two listened curiously.

"Lie number two: The young man was killed."

Sanji slowly raised his foot.

"Lie number one . . ." Usopp grinned. "The young man's partner did not move."

The two robbers stared at him for a moment before whipping their heads around to see Sanji standing behind them. He was the last thing they saw before they were knocked out.

"I called the cops," the teller called. "You two are so brave!"

"Thank you, my dear!" Sanji exclaimed. "Would you mind giving me your phone num—ow-ow-ow!"

Usopp had seized his ear again. "We already did this!" he exclaimed just before he sank to the ground.

"Usopp—!" Sanji knelt and helped Usopp up. "Are you okay?"

Usopp looked up and grinned weakly, his legs trembling. "That . . . was honestly terrifying . . . I knew those guns were fake, but . . ."

Sanji grinned and pulled his boyfriend into a hug. "We'll go right back to the apartment after the cops finish up here. I think we've earned some downtime."


End file.
